This Too Is Holy
I said in a previous post I would write about my experience with misery, so this is it. This weekend Discordia besieged me. You may not want to read it. It won’t be pretty. It might be helpful to know if you too are in the throes of discord that you are not alone. I am merely going to post what I wrote in my journal. This is personal not abstract. I will only do some light editing, otherwise this is what I wrote in the moment.
I am not feeling good. It seems the longer I live, the more involved I am, the more I try to be the me I want to be the more shit happens. Like the universe hates me. How can I believe in a God of love when I feel so lost and miserable? I feel so alone and lost trapped in what I want and besieged by what I detest.
I know this sounds like a selfish, me-me tirade. I know the universe is not picking on me. That I have felt this vague unease, this nameless desolation and it has passed. I wonder if all those times when i thought this mood, this funk passed and the few times that good things have happened were only momentary blips of mindless distraction. I am cursed! Yes! That’s it.
Do I really believe all that?
Can I believe it?
Do I have the luxury of believing it, of taking on the poor me victimhood? That’s the old Robby and not the new Robby, not the me that I want to be.
Am I not stronger than all this?
I am… or at least I thought I was, maybe its just that its Christmas and I am alone. No girlfriend, not even any potentials on the horizon. As usual I am alone no one next to me. The only one who smiles and is excited when I am around is my dog. Now, that is really, really sad! My dog is really cool.
It doesn’t really help that all the girls I know who are not hitched or otherwise spoken for are too young, way too young. There is not a one that I even entertain the possibility of asking out.
I cannot think this way! I just cannot. It does not help. It may seem dark, real dark, yet the more I sit here and write this I don’t feel so bad. The more I let out my feelings the less dark and hopeless it feels. I almost feel better. That there is hope, light, possibility, and… and… I feel, I don’t know… Like God is sheltering me. That He is pouring out his love and grace on me.
Here I go. Speaking about God’s unbelievable, unconditional, unlimited love and grace. Even when I am low and consider throwing it all away I speak of God’s love and grace and not just speak about it but I am experiencing it. I feel God with me, as if He is sitting next to me and smiling, as if saying its OK that everything is eventual. God is here even when I almost don’t him to be. God will not let me go. His Son became man and died a criminals death, so that I can live with God. God will not let me go, He loves me too much. He meets me where I am and says ‘me too.’
This is a holy moment. This moment of bleakness is as holy, maybe more so than when I am at church worshiping and praying.
This too is holy.
I don’t feel the same when I wrote that in my journal. No longer am I feeling low and alone. I know that God loves me and that He will handle the later, whether that involves a girlfriend for me or not is His business. My business is to be as loving and compassionate as I can in each moment. I shouldn’t be sad about the past or worried about the future. I should and need to be as present to the moment I find myself in being as true to who I am and who I want to be.