One Of My Problems

I feel called by God.

Part of my calling is this webpage.  I have tried to use this blog as way of talking about my problems with Christianity, what I think it means to be a Christian, and to give hope and guidance to my readers. I’m not a trained theologian, just a mere Jesus follower who is serious about following Jesus everyday in everything I do. My posts are not the final answers only part of the conversation.

Another part is going to seminary and maybe becoming a pastor, though I think I will end up being a hospital chaplain. I have run across an idea in several places about a pastor without walls. I like that—pastor without walls. It appeals to my sense that God can and should be found everywhere not just in some dusty old building or only in one faith tradition. As agents of God, we should not be boxed in by the walls of a physical building, but go out and be the church.

That is not what this post is about.

I have been struggling with something. It has weighed heavily on my heart over the last few weeks, maybe months. I feel trapped between two places, like in a crevice between two rock walls.

The best way to say it is just to say it.

Do I need to get married?

There I said it. It’s out and a secret no more.

I want to experience love, real love with another person. My past experience with love, romance, and close friendship has been a sham. I have made mistakes and I am not blaming my past failures solely on the other person. I fall for the wrong people, for women who are either unable or unwilling to return my devotion. Some are already in a relationship or don’t like me as I like them or for some other reason unable to reciprocate my feelings. I don’t blame them. I do wonder why I do this and how I can prevent this from happening in the future.

The past is in the past. I am not willing to relive it. I want to move into the future. I want to meet someone who can and will love me for who I am and who I will love. Someone who challenges me to be the best me I can be and someone I will challenge and support too.

My struggle is do I need to be in a romantic relationship or should I take a vow of celibacy?

Which choice would help me get closer in my relationship with God and more able me to be an agent of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and His Kingdom?

I voiced this concern to the men in my bible study group and one of them asked if it was about premarital sex. They others were either silent or laughed it off.

It’s not about sex. I would not have sex until I get married for a number of reasons, which I will not go into here. At one time, I might have, but not now. Now, I want to be in a loving relationship, so while I have struggled with this I suppose I have answered my own question.


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